Are You At Home?

Those were the first words the Doctor asked me when he called me that afternoon. I hadn’t been home long from my weekly OB appointment and was playing with the kids, waiting for Aaron to get home. We were going out on a date one more time before his parents went home after helping us move.  On the docket: Panera and the new Batman movie.  My phone rang and I answered it. The Doctor said, “Are you home yet?” I said yes. He followed that up with, “We got the results of your Harmony blood test and the results are 99% positive that your baby will have Down Syndrome.” I can’t tell you what went through my mind when I heard that. I remember sitting down on the ottoman and taking a deep breath. I remember the Doctor being very kind on the phone and I remember trying really hard not to cry. He asked me if I’d like the genetic counselor to call me and I said yes. Then we hung up. 

When the counselor called I ended up outside with my back to the window so no one could see my face.  I didn’t make it very long before I ended up crying. I was worried about what Aaron would think. He had said, several times previous to this, that he wasn’t sure he could handle having a child with special needs. I remember telling the counselor that I was worried about that. I don’t say this to make Aaron look bad. I think we all say things like that and are afraid before we are in the situation. I don’t remember what the counselor and I talked about, I just know I was crying. And I knew I had to go back inside and I knew Aaron wasn’t home yet. I also knew I wasn’t going to tell him this over the phone. That meant I had to pull myself together and “tough it out” another couple hours. I’m quite certain Marcie (my Mother in Law), could tell I had been crying, but she had the wherewithal to not say anything.

Aaron and I left on our date shortly after he got home. I couldn’t even bring myself to change my clothes, as silly as that sounds. I remember what I was wearing. Black “comfy” pants, white tank top, black t-shirt- I wasn't exactly wearing my date night finest. We got in the car and headed out. In my head I was thinking, “When should I tell him, while he’s driving? When we get there?” I settled on when we got to the restaurant.  I remember we got to Panera, ordered our food, the food came, we sat down, and I started crying. Okay, it was more than crying. Some might call it sobbing. And I manage to sputter out, “I got the blood test results back today.” I can picture the look on Aaron’s face as I type this. He has this pursed lip, big eyes look. The same look he gets when he’s trying to tell a lie. He shook his head up and down. And I said, “It shows that the baby will have Down Syndrome.” I don’t really remember all the conversation after that point. I do remember saying, “Sometimes I don’t think I can handle the 3 children we have and now we’re going to have a baby with extra needs?!” I sobbed, and then just when I thought I was done, started sobbing some more.  We realized that we 1. Had no desire to go see the Batman movie and 2. Should probably tell his parents in person before they left.  So we headed home (after waiting long enough for the kids to be in bed- haha).

Aaron was the one to tell his parents. I don’t remember what he said, but I’ll never forget his dads response, “Our thoughts and prayers are with you.” I’m not sure why that stuck with me.  “Thoughts and prayers.”